Okay so you haven’t heard from me in a while and if you might be wondering how the apple fast went. So in the spirit of the exceedingly trashy and patriarchal Spike TV mega-action-packed-testosterone-laden show MANswers, here is a graphically descriptive and exceedingly sexual (okay so maybe not sexual– unless apples or gluttony are one of your aphrodisiacs) recap of my apple fast. For full effect read this post aloud in the same tone and demeanor as the movie phone guy. Let’s play MANswers!
What happens when Corey eats only apples for 3 days?
Imagine Nicole Ritchie’s diet then add an apple or two to every meal and that was essentially all I ate. Plus some apple juice for the full applelicious effect. Basically I ate a lot of apples, 7lbs to be exact, and as promised by the malign preaching of that fateful spam email I received, I have become a more spiritual and healthy person… NOT! The truth is nothing changed which in the scheme of things is good I guess. I could have died or even worse turned Emo, luckily I was spared. That being said, by no means do I regret having done the fast. However, I do wish that when asked why I was fasting I had come up with a better response than just saying some spam email told me so. Something badass like: “I have fallen behind on the adage an ‘Apple a day…’” or “I have converted to Kabbalah. Red apples, red strings and Madonna are my life now”. But instead I told them the truth; I listened to a spam email, how stupid! I realize it is pretty ridiculous that I fell victim to a spam scam, as a coworker pointed out to me, I don’t send money to some random Nigerian estate and I haven’t started using Viagara, so why Apples? Good Question, I guess we will never know.
Perhaps if anyone knows it would be the Scientologists. I thought it was only fitting that on Wednesday (the last day of my fast) I was walking through Union Square and I was harangued by a street team of Tom Cruz look a likes (Yes I am propagating the stereotype that all Scientologists look like Tom Cruz). Anyways, they gave me a bunch of flyers including one that was for a seminar promising “A happier, more energetic and full life”. Essentially the same verbiage as the spam email I received. The question is, are the Scientologists behind the apple fast? If so why… Are they invested in the apple industry? Or perhaps I am just jumping to conclusions. Which came first, Scientology or Apple Fasting? Neither! The toxic aliens which commodify Scientology did.
So what happens when Corey eats only apples for 3 days? He stereotypes Scientologists.
