Here is a little excerpt from the first chapter… If, that is a big if, I am able to actually commit and write a full novel look out!

Here you go:

He had a knack for “borrowing” trinkets, like the bar ashtray which had a permanent place on the coffee table. Another collectible and the resting place for his latest carton of generic brand menthols. Sitting there in hibernation on the laminate minimalist cube which double d as my futon-side nightstand. A cheap attempt at modern style, and the inspiration for Panther Shadow. A jet black blend with slight purple undertones, easily the pinnacle of the overambitious sloth’s career. That was 7 years ago. Since then the swatch sticker, an adhesive backed paint swatch for hands free viewing, has been his only contribution to the paint world worthy of mention. Unfortunately the uncultured bastard didn’t think that when the new swatches came out in Asia swatch stickers quickly became know as Swastikas. Yeah, my father is the paint Nazi responsible for Behr losing it’s dominant market share in the entire eastern hemisphere. That was 6 years ago. Now he is a freelance paint name creator, who does more destroying then creating, go figure.

I was so overwhelmed I had to run and hide in our rental house and whimper. Tragically my safe haven happened to be an IKEA model show home, essentially an internal reflection of stucco facades gone wild! There was not a single item in the house that was not from IKEA. Every towel, lamp, bookshelf, area rug, cabinet, sink, mattress, and piece of artwork was from IKEA. I will admit I respect a good Billy bookcase or Lack wall shelf but living in a house where everything is IKEA was a terrible experience. That being said I am now very familiar with their Fall collection, may I suggest the Numbra* vase? Or perhaps the Borsk* cutlery organizer? Just whatever you do, don’t sleep on their mattresses!

I have crawled a few images off of the internet to show you this stucco epidemic ravaging through the OC. It’s okay, everything will be alright…

*I can not promise these fictionalized items are authentic IKEA creations. I invented them myself… Not bad, eh?

I just wanted to quickly post up a picture of a bus-side advertisement I saw this morning on my commute. I thought it was pretty brilliant and I have often wondered the same thing… But then again grocery stores sell saturated fats and diet pills at the same time too, everything has it’s own antagonist. After a little research the campaign is specifically targeted at the prevalence of smoking in the LGBT community. Regardless the message is applicable to everyone.

Happy Monday!

So today is Barack Obama’s birthday, 4 days before my own birthday might I add and I was surprised that John McCain gave him such a nice gift. In case you missed this gift, I would suggest watching Danish boys dramatically interpret Abba songs on YouTube (I swear I was working)—At least that is where I saw this “gift” for the first time. While we all remember the beauty that was the Paris, Brittney, Barack trifecta ad, I was unaware that McCain was running a parallel banner ad campaign on Myspace, real classy John. That’s right, this beauty right here was paid for by the McCain campaign.

Personally I found the ad a little confusing. I would have thought the question mark was for Nicole Ritchie or Lindsay Lohan (who my mom tragically refers to as LiLo). Then again, I assumed that when clicking the ad I would have to answer a poll entitled “who is the bigger slut”, shoot a monkey with a shotgun shaped cursor, get infected with a virus and then “win” a free iPhone… But Barack Obama?! Naw, I just didn’t believe it.

I just would have expected McCain to get a hint from the press that this ad campaign is tragically desperate, off base and just not resonating well with the public. The only thing more confusing than the ad itself is who McCain was trying to target with this flashy little banner (asides from the vicious blogosphere). I just don’t get it. Chances are the only people watching esoteric YouTube films are either too young to vote, apathetic, not republican or some combination in-between. The guy doesn’t even use the Internet, so why should he be using your tax dollars (public funded campaign (well public financing doesn’t start for a month—but still)) on YouTube mockery?

While I never was able to catch his name, I know today is his 75^th birthday so I figured I would mention him in my blog. We only spoke for about 10 minutes but he provided me with plenty of advice. “Don’t drink soda”

“Always kiss your mother before you leave the house”

“Don’t talk to strangers” (Exceedingly ironic)

“Sugar is a drug, and like all drugs, sugar is bad”

“Live to be my age and you will be impressed how the most trivial things become interesting”

“Your body needs milk—but milk is for babies, take a calcium supplement or something”

It was nice talking to talk to somebody on my commute, I think it is ridiculous that we all ride the same trains, sit next to the same people, and never talk to each other. Why can’t we just be a little more social on the train? Last night this guy sitting behind me engaged this one woman in a conversation about the book she was reading, she seemed almost shocked! I guess such a conversation was unprecedented to her.

Just a simple question—Why don’t all of us Caltrain riders engage in conversation?

Easily my favorite socially conscious online shop from the great state of Massachusetts! SV is all about positive change through reuse, after all “you can’t recycle the planet.” I definitely encourage you to check the site out, they always have something new and exciting going on as well as great ideas on how you can make a positive impact on our planet. Right now they are supporting the victims of the California wildfires through a little button drive action!

The best thing about SV? You can help out while still getting some sweet shwag. I often get comments on my “make yourself heard” t-shirt featuring good ol’ bush with a fill-in-yourself speech bubble… Check it out.

I also scored a super sweet coloring book: The Color of Dissent! Nothing like coloring in your favorite revolutionaries, I need to break out that skin tone crayon pack!

I realize I am most likely overreacting right now, but I feel obligated to share some direct quotes as well as a page from their catalog just to show you why I am so disgusted right now…

Clothing For Wealthy Kids From Wealthy Families (The brands tagline)

The clothing expresses the rich heritage, prestigious education and success which mainstream America may associate with only Anglo-Saxon Americans. (Woah there George Fitzhugh!)

The brand acts as a liaison between the African American elite and the rest of world letting people know that this culture embraces many things that are common within in Anglo-Saxon culture such as attending the best preparatory schools, the right colleges, and membership in the right social organizations and at the right country clubs.

Our Lifestyle: his + her ferrari’s, house in the hills, jack + jill (Wait, the ‘ferrari’s’ possessing who? J+J a liaison representing a culture which embraces such high standards in education… and proper grammar usage)

It is just the overall tone and presentation that comes off as elitist, condescending and in my opinion, achieves the exact opposite the brand sets out to do. Earlier I quoted one customer who cited several high end brands and their cultural resonances; however, none of these brands are as exclusive and polarizing as J+J. While the likes of Burberry and Lacoste do in fact cater to a high-end clientele, a quick look at their respective websites contrasts in professionalism and establishing a “culture” (Lacoste and tennis for example).

www.jackandjillinternational.com, www.flickr.com/photos/jacknjill/

Here is my message to J+J…

—

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Corey Rateau and I happened to recently come across jackandjillinternational.com, the online portal for Jack and Jill Apparel. I write to say that I am very troubled by what I have found on your website and I would appreciate some more insight into the brand and its message. While in concept having a clothing label that represents and commemorates the rich cultural history of the African American people is wonderful, your online presentation has failed to capture the essence of J+J being such a brand. Your website came across as nothing short of being elitist, unprofessional and condescending. As a young African American male and someone who takes his education very seriously, I believe you have fundamentally failed to represent your clientele, your brand and the greater African American community in a positive or productive manner. While your website reads, “[J+J] overthrows the stereotypes of African American culture that have been engrained in society’s mind by MTV and other media outlets,” I am still unsure how J+J as a brand accomplishes this. The images your website portrays are ultimately congruous with that of MTV and other media outlets which degrade African American culture as being materialistic and superficial, stereotypes which are both readily found on your website. While I will admit your attempts to redirect common perception are not entirely fruitless, I believe your intentions have been seriously compromised through your alienation of many of the issues and qualities that are integral to African American culture as a whole. As a result J+J is doing nothing more than perpetuating such points of concern.

Overall, I take insult that you are attempting to act as a cultural liaison of sorts for a demographic which I belong to. All of the so called “African American elite” J+J has set out to represent, people who value “attending the best preparatory schools, the right colleges, and membership in the right social organizations and at the right country clubs,” should be concerned by the manner in which you are presenting them. From the countless grammatical mistakes on the website, to the overall contradictory message the brand presents, I believe J+J reflects poorly on some of our community’s best individuals.

I encourage your response and I look forward to any comments you may have.

Best,

Corey Rateau

Mansions. Yachts. Sports Cars. Back to School?

Disgusting.

So while I was waiting for my friends I decided to get a first hand taste of the fundamentalist preaching. I was initially drawn in by their bright and hateful banners that would make John Winthrop proud– However when I neared I was surprised by the large group of high school age kids intensely listening. Obviously since Los Gatos kids are way cooler than Saratoga kids, peer pressure took the best of me and I sat down to listen as well. However listening to Fundamentalists isn’t that cool, your jaw gets tired from gaping in disbelief as you are subjected to pure unadulterated I don’t even know what! Not to mention, the only thing worse than a Christian Fundamentalist is a Christian Fundamentalist being egged on by a group of teenagers (get ‘em while they’re young!). The lead guy, the one standing on the soap box, was so riled up he got to the point when he started insulting everyone around him. Jimmy needs a hair cut; Sue isn’t as pretty as the other girls; Jenn never walked on water; Bobby has a small penis! Yes, he directly commented on Bobby’s penis. (Names have been changed to protect “Bobby’s” self esteem).

But all that doesn’t matter, “Jesus doesn’t judge you, he loves you”.
Crazy phallic Fundamentalists!

What happens when Corey eats only apples for 3 days?

Imagine Nicole Ritchie’s diet then add an apple or two to every meal and that was essentially all I ate. Plus some apple juice for the full applelicious effect. Basically I ate a lot of apples, 7lbs to be exact, and as promised by the malign preaching of that fateful spam email I received, I have become a more spiritual and healthy person… NOT! The truth is nothing changed which in the scheme of things is good I guess. I could have died or even worse turned Emo, luckily I was spared. That being said, by no means do I regret having done the fast. However, I do wish that when asked why I was fasting I had come up with a better response than just saying some spam email told me so. Something badass like: “I have fallen behind on the adage an ‘Apple a day…’” or “I have converted to Kabbalah. Red apples, red strings and Madonna are my life now”. But instead I told them the truth; I listened to a spam email, how stupid! I realize it is pretty ridiculous that I fell victim to a spam scam, as a coworker pointed out to me, I don’t send money to some random Nigerian estate and I haven’t started using Viagara, so why Apples? Good Question, I guess we will never know.

Perhaps if anyone knows it would be the Scientologists. I thought it was only fitting that on Wednesday (the last day of my fast) I was walking through Union Square and I was harangued by a street team of Tom Cruz look a likes (Yes I am propagating the stereotype that all Scientologists look like Tom Cruz). Anyways, they gave me a bunch of flyers including one that was for a seminar promising “A happier, more energetic and full life”. Essentially the same verbiage as the spam email I received. The question is, are the Scientologists behind the apple fast? If so why… Are they invested in the apple industry? Or perhaps I am just jumping to conclusions. Which came first, Scientology or Apple Fasting? Neither! The toxic aliens which commodify Scientology did.

So what happens when Corey eats only apples for 3 days? He stereotypes Scientologists.

…Because they are hungry! –Margaret Cho

I thought it was almost too perfect that Margaret Cho made this joke in a comedy routine I was watching last night. Okay, so I am not a vegan nor am I particularly angry; however, I do find myself rather hungry and it is only one day into this little apple shindig. I consumed 8 apples yesterday and while I have limited my diet to one item, I have in fact diversified my apple gamut. As an ex-courtesy clerk at an upscale grocery store (Got to love the title—I was a bag boy) I thought I had a pretty wide knowledge of esoteric produce and foodstuff but, all the different apple varieties have really surprised me. Fuji, golden delicious and granny smith make way! I am eating pink ladies, ambrosia and braeburn apples now… Delicious!

While this whole experience has been challenging thus far, yesterday I saw a mother and son duo who really gave me a much needed boost. This kid was maybe 10 years old, holding a big mac and was the epitome of America’s fast food culture, think real life hamburglar. Everything from his appearance to his diet was so disappointing I just wanted to give him an apple or two, heck 3 days worth, he needed it! The weird thing is, I almost felt selfish watching him. Here I am eating apples for some personal dare inspired by a spam email when this kid could really benefit from it—oh well, there are still people dying in Burma and soldiers in Iraq, my empathy can be better spent elsewhere. Nonetheless, I dedicate my apple fast to that little boy on the 49 bus going down the Mission. If you ever see this, I liked the book you got at the library on pandas. Also the word you asked your mom how to pronounce is in fact “indigenous” not “in-dig-us” as your mom so casually butchered it… It’s the least I can do.

Already half way through my challenge and staying strong!

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